Exercise journaling

Did 30 minutes on the stationary bike today at the gym. Love this gym membership! LOVE working out during lunch. Have so much more energy when the sun shines. Rode 6.6 miles. Whew!

Short Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"

The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.

The End

Catching Up

Like writing in a journal, it's hard to pick up where you left off. So much has happened over the last few months.

In August, I divorced my father. I turned it ALL over to God, because I was done. This email I received was the last communication before I decided I didn't need those brick marks on my forehead from running into the same wall over and over and over again:

I can’t believe I’ve let this go this far. Just when I think there’s some hope for us you show me that the road is much longer than I could imagine.

This year has been horrifying. I’ve never been more at war spiritually than in these last eight months. Your stepmom has been fighting for her life and I’ve been fighting for my sanity. I’m proof that God never gives us more than we can handle, but believe me He better have His hand on you while you’re going through it. But this letter isn’t about me. It’s about you.

I have never really looked at your selfishness in quite this bright of a light before. I’ve prayed to God plenty about you and He’s told me what I know, and that’s that I love you with all my heart. No matter how you act. But I don’t have to like how you act. And over these last months I’ve really gotten to dislike how you act very much. I can’t believe you’ve sunken to the depths of self centeredness as far as you’ve gone. I can take a lot of what you dish out in my direction, maybe because I’m your father, but this time you really screwed up. My wife was laying there in the hospital struggling to live and not one card, not one call, no flowers, no concern. And I know where you’re going with this right now that I should have called you and kept you informed. I don’t have to call. You do.

This world does not revolve around you as you think it does. You have this self centered sense of entitlement about you that really fowls the air. Today it is really showing up strong. I’m emailing this to your office because I don’t think you’ll read it if I send it to your home email. I don’t want you to get fired for using company email for personal use, and you will be fired because even that boss you have won’t tolerate an employee that has a sense of entitlement like you have for long. And they will probably use your personal usage of company email as the excuse without having to confront you with the truth as I am now.

So go ahead and bond with your support group and cry about this letter to them. They’ll all feel sorry for how your father has hurt you again, and sit around and agree how bad he is, again. And nod in subtle agreement.

I pray that you discover the truth abut yourself, and soon. I pray God will show you that you can be loved without being liked. That love isn’t a ticket to act any way you see fit.

Yours in Christ,
Dad

As vitriolic as this email was, it was also freeing. It let me know that I could go on with my life, be free of the guilt that my relationship with my father was a failure.

But really? How does somebody rip someone a new a$$hole and then sign the letter "Yours in Christ"? I don't get it.

So, of course, when we found out she was sick, we sent a card to the hospital and again when she got transferred out of the hospital. My dad and I didn't talk again for another couple of months.

My stepmom passed away Nov. 16. My dad left me a voicemail. Obviously sad, but not tragic. Handsome and I made plans to go to Montana for the memorial service. I was a bundle of nerves but very glad I went. Since then, I feel more free and expressive with my dad and our relationship. I loved my stepmom, but she was always intimidating somehow. I feel like I'm on level ground with my dad now. I text him on his phone (he hasn't learned to text back). He's grieving, and that lets me see his human side. I am a lot like him, I've learned. We both make assumptions that usually end up completely untrue. Shame.

I've grown a lot in the last couple months. I was struck down, afraid, sad, liberated and now, just trying to figure out this new relationship. I feel confident again. Whatever happens, I'm glad things have changed. Life is short, we must make amends while there are still people to whom the amends should be made.

Little Eyes

Man, oh man, has it been a while. Lots to catch up on, but let me post this beauty of a poem. It is much more uplifting than the crap I've dealt with in the last 3 months.

WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T LOOKING

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make my favorite cake for me, and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could always talk to, and I learned to trust in Him.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing, and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good, and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw that you cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking I looked at you and wanted to say, 'Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.'

LITTLE EYES SEE A LOT .

Each of us (parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, teacher, friend) influence the life of a child. How will you touch the life of someone today? Live simply. Love generously.Care deeply. Speak kindly.

Where I say goodbye to my dreams of a white picket fence

Mean Girls

I loved the movie. It struck true to so many chords from middle and high school. I loved how the protagonist was able to break free of her own self-inflicted painful chaos in order to remember who she was inside.

When anonymous commenters viciously attack your very being, no matter what anyone says, it hurts. No matter that, deep down inside, you know what they say isn't true, it still hurts. Even though we know that we are loved children of God, people can still be mean and sometimes, it worms its way inside our souls and psyches and makes us question God. Why does He make mean people? Why does he make people mean? Why am I not strong enough to resist the lies and deception I'm faced with?

My girl Amy Beth needs some encouragement right now. Please visit and let her know that mean girls are not worth the pain they inflict.

Neither are mean boys, for that matter.

Life in a tornado

Sometimes it's just all so overwhelming. The good, the bad, they all gang up on you and you feel small and kind of melty (it is too a word).

We had the midget this weekend, which I have been looking forward to for weeks. Spending time with a ten year old is such excitement. First there was a little league game. Parents can be totally crazy at little league games. A man argued with the umpire about a questionable call (apparently you have to slide into home plate if a play is happening at home plate, running across it means you're out) and I thought it might get ugly. Did I mention the kids are ten? I mean, really, let's try and set an example!

It was cold and windy at the game, but the sun shone all day and I didn't use sunscreen. I have a niiice farmer's tan going on.

About the third inning, I got a voicemail from my mom who had been crying. My great-uncle passed away. Sad, but neither tragic nor completely unexpected. He was the remaining half of a grandparent-esque couple I only recently got to know - my grandpa's brother and sister-in-law. Honestly, my first thought was relief. I know how much pain he has been in and how tough that is for an old body to handle. But also, I thought I was off the hook for feeling guilty about not visiting as often as I should wanted.

The family fell apart after my great-aunt died. She was truly the glue that bound the family together. Lord knows I fell apart after she died. Some people just show you what family is all about, and Marge was the epitome of the word. Harry, her husband, bless his heart, couldn't hear a damn thing anyone said for the better part of 20 years because he refused to get hearing aids. Finally, he gave in, and they arrived in the mail in time for him to hear the eulogy given for his wife.

Having the midget around for the weekend left no time to really grieve, which I took as a good thing. It seemed my mom was crying enough for all of us. After the little league game, the midget and I high tailed it to Tar-Jay for a gift for a four year old. My girlfriend from college, Alaina, whom I haven't seen in YEARS was having a party and I was excited to see her! The midget popped open the Transformers pinata and played with some other kids kicking ball, throwing the Aerobie and apparently cavorting with real-live chickens. The two other children there who were his age were from Korea. As I was thinking about it all later, I realized I totally missed my opportunity to talk to their parents as the third member of the adoption triad. I guess it never occurred to me to bring up adoption with them. Maybe the opportunity will present itself again soon.

We took in a movie that night - grumpy Handsome, the midget and me. We saw Monsters vs. Aliens, which was pretty cute. Handsome laughed out loud during much of the movie, which is always a good sign.

The next day, the midget helped me make Blueberry Cream Cheese Coffee Cake for breakfast, which was so delicious! I love that he's old enough to help cook, or do yardwork (I think Handsome had him mow the yard for a little while, too). I'm not sure if his parents give him such responsibility. I was thinking about when I was ten, we were living in Christiansburg, VA, and I came home from school and spent about 2-3 hours all by myself. I'm sure I fixed snacks and who knows what else. Ten back then seemed a lot older than ten does on the midget. He'd probably do all right.

It was little league day at the Colorado Rockies so we went to the baseball game. What a madhouse! There were at least 500 little leaguers all excited to be there. The midget, however, was the only one we could find from his team. The fun part was they all got to walk around the warning track on the field. I was worried if he didn't see any of his teammates, he might not want to participate. Handsome came to the rescue, saying that since even the coach didn't show up, Handsome himself would walk around with him. Well, that sealed it. Eventually, three more kids from his team showed up, and Handsome wore the biggest grin of them all out on that ball field.

The Rockies did a great job, winning their 11th straight game. Of course, there was a 55 minute rain delay, but it was really because a tornado had formed just northeast of the stadium. Really, a tornado! We decided that, instead of hanging out for an hour in the concrete stairwell playing "I Spy", we should bail and see what the weather was like at City Park. Handsome had his usual panic in trying to drive downtown (why do I not learn and just commandeer the whole driving operation whenever we are downtown?) but we made it to the midget's house. We walked to City Park with our baseball gloves and ball and the Aerobie. We played and played and played. Then we fielded balls for some guys who were batting and pitching at one of the playing fields. The dark clouds started rolling in and I was getting hungry so we made the trek back to the house to change clothes and eat.

The look on the midget's face when we announced we had to go back to the house was priceless, just total defeat. Poor guy - he was having so much fun! But, we had a schedule to keep, and a concert to see! After a YUMMY Thai meal (where the waiters gave the kid no less than three full glasses of a caffeinated soda pop, ugh), we headed to Trinity UMC for a choir concert like no other.

There were five or six churches, each with at least 50 members, packed into the choir loft and the balconies of the church. It was totally beautiful. The acoustics were great, the choir members were amazing. The midget was bouncing off the walls. =)

Handsome and I fell into bed last night. He said, are you sure you want kids? I laughed and said, absolutely, we survived a lot this weekend, and I couldn't have done it without you, and kissed him good night.