Catching Up

Like writing in a journal, it's hard to pick up where you left off. So much has happened over the last few months.

In August, I divorced my father. I turned it ALL over to God, because I was done. This email I received was the last communication before I decided I didn't need those brick marks on my forehead from running into the same wall over and over and over again:

I can’t believe I’ve let this go this far. Just when I think there’s some hope for us you show me that the road is much longer than I could imagine.

This year has been horrifying. I’ve never been more at war spiritually than in these last eight months. Your stepmom has been fighting for her life and I’ve been fighting for my sanity. I’m proof that God never gives us more than we can handle, but believe me He better have His hand on you while you’re going through it. But this letter isn’t about me. It’s about you.

I have never really looked at your selfishness in quite this bright of a light before. I’ve prayed to God plenty about you and He’s told me what I know, and that’s that I love you with all my heart. No matter how you act. But I don’t have to like how you act. And over these last months I’ve really gotten to dislike how you act very much. I can’t believe you’ve sunken to the depths of self centeredness as far as you’ve gone. I can take a lot of what you dish out in my direction, maybe because I’m your father, but this time you really screwed up. My wife was laying there in the hospital struggling to live and not one card, not one call, no flowers, no concern. And I know where you’re going with this right now that I should have called you and kept you informed. I don’t have to call. You do.

This world does not revolve around you as you think it does. You have this self centered sense of entitlement about you that really fowls the air. Today it is really showing up strong. I’m emailing this to your office because I don’t think you’ll read it if I send it to your home email. I don’t want you to get fired for using company email for personal use, and you will be fired because even that boss you have won’t tolerate an employee that has a sense of entitlement like you have for long. And they will probably use your personal usage of company email as the excuse without having to confront you with the truth as I am now.

So go ahead and bond with your support group and cry about this letter to them. They’ll all feel sorry for how your father has hurt you again, and sit around and agree how bad he is, again. And nod in subtle agreement.

I pray that you discover the truth abut yourself, and soon. I pray God will show you that you can be loved without being liked. That love isn’t a ticket to act any way you see fit.

Yours in Christ,
Dad

As vitriolic as this email was, it was also freeing. It let me know that I could go on with my life, be free of the guilt that my relationship with my father was a failure.

But really? How does somebody rip someone a new a$$hole and then sign the letter "Yours in Christ"? I don't get it.

So, of course, when we found out she was sick, we sent a card to the hospital and again when she got transferred out of the hospital. My dad and I didn't talk again for another couple of months.

My stepmom passed away Nov. 16. My dad left me a voicemail. Obviously sad, but not tragic. Handsome and I made plans to go to Montana for the memorial service. I was a bundle of nerves but very glad I went. Since then, I feel more free and expressive with my dad and our relationship. I loved my stepmom, but she was always intimidating somehow. I feel like I'm on level ground with my dad now. I text him on his phone (he hasn't learned to text back). He's grieving, and that lets me see his human side. I am a lot like him, I've learned. We both make assumptions that usually end up completely untrue. Shame.

I've grown a lot in the last couple months. I was struck down, afraid, sad, liberated and now, just trying to figure out this new relationship. I feel confident again. Whatever happens, I'm glad things have changed. Life is short, we must make amends while there are still people to whom the amends should be made.

The healing power of food

My dad liked the cookie bouquet I sent.

Whew!

Setting boundaries

In her series of posts about parenting and the adult child, Moxie listed several bullet points which I have broken down into separate posts. Please see this post and this post to understand what the heck I'm talking about.

• If I take steps to setting some boundaries, do I have a way to check myself so I don't get guilted or manipulated into abandoning those boundaries just to keep peace or win approval?

Boundaries used to be a BIG issue with me. For a long time, I would revert to the five year old self whenever I was around my dad. I felt stupid and clueless, clumsy and not at all like the bright, young, intelligent being I was. At some point, I experienced some enlightenment and decided that I NEEDED some boundaries so that I would not feel like an idiot whenever I saw him, or talked on the phone. What I use most to check myself on these boundaries is my own conscience. If it doesn't feel right, it ain't working. I am very true to myself and know without a doubt when I am being guilted and manipulated.

• Am I prepared for short-term anger and hostility when I start to draw some boundaries?

It makes me ill to negotiate my own boundaries to keep peace or win approval. I had a girlfriend in high school who ended up dating somebody that I wasn't fond of. At. All. It was really tough for me because I was very good friends with the girl, but her boyfriend frightened me. I tried to redefine our friendship to the exclusion of this man (yeah, who is manipulative now?). Finally, I laid it out there that, as much as I loved her, I wasn't willing to sacrificed my own being to continue our friendship.

Oh, yeah. THAT went over like poop in a punchbowl. She said fine, if that was how I felt, then we did not need to be friends anymore. And, as much as it hurt at the time, I got over it eventually. I never felt like I lost my integrity, and to me, that was worth more than our friendship. Because if you can't be true to yourself, how can you be true to anyone else?

• Is there anyone else who knows my parent who can help me troubleshoot and back me up in my plan?

This was tough for me growing up because the only one I felt like I could talk to, who knew my dad, was my mom. Bless her heart, too, because that's a tough position to be in. Oprah once said "When you dishonor the parent, you shame the child." My mom never talked badly about my dad. She never said what a jerk he was for being, well, such a jerk! But she did console me when I needed it, and explained to the best of her ability why I felt so let down. And she always told me how proud she was of me, for choosing to be firm on my boundaries. Once I decided I was done being the victim of my past relationship with my dad, my mom was my biggest cheerleader.

Recently my mom was talking to me about me not being raised by both her and my dad. She was asking me if I felt any kind of loss by not having two parents in the same house. I told her I didn't know any different, so no, not really. She asked if I had any anger associated with her decision to leave my dad when I was young. Again, I never knew a household with my dad and my mom, so how could I compare? But she wanted to really talk about it, dig deep, and I just didn't want to go there right then. And I told her as much: "I don't want to talk about that right now." It was to the point and succinct. My mom was a little stunned, but said "Oh-kay." And that was the end of that discussion. (That's setting boundaries!)

The more I thought about it, later, I realized something big that would have been different had my parents stayed married. My relationship with my dad would have been much different. I would probably have much more trust in that relationship than I ever will now. He probably wouldn't have treated me as he did if my mom was around to bear witness, to intercede. If they were both active parents, instead of passive judges on the others' parenting, it would have changed my life tremendously. I could play the "what-if" game forever, but my life and their marriage just didn't happen like that.

And I'm okay with that.

Great Expectations

Part 1 of this post series is here.

The first four bullet points Moxie posted are the most basic, yet often, the most difficult to embrace.

• What can I reasonably get from my parent?

I will change the word "get" to "expect" in the first point. When I was dealing with all my dad issues as a kid, I expected him to act like a father. I expected him to be loving and attentive, be responsible and kind, and be proud of who his daughter was. I fully expected him to be, if not like the dads I saw on TV, then at least coherent enough to interact with me.

It was not what I "got" though. What I got was a dad who was much more interested in alcohol or drugs than the few weekend visits with me he was awarded by the court. I got a dad who would willingly drop me off at a girlfriend's, or an ex-girlfriend's, so he could go get high and not have to watch parent me.

• Is that enough?

If I got what I expected, it would have been enough. It would have been more than enough, compared to what I got. For years, I wanted that kind of relationship with my dad. It never happened, and I doubt it will.

• If not, is there someplace else I can get that so I'm able to let go of the need to get it from my parent?

I will also interject the word "someone" else here, someone I can go to get what I want so I can let go of the need to get it from him. Absolutely. Lots of places and people. Unfortunately, the revolving door of relationships I subjected myself to over the years wasn't always the healthiest of choices. I tried out all kinds of people to see if I could experience the relationship I expected of my dad. None of them measured to my expectations.

• What am I willing to give up to get something from my parent?

For a long time, I ran headstrong straight into that brick wall. I would cry and hurt and try all over again, just to have him look at me, or talk to me, or listen to me. I had the imprint of that wall on my forehead for years. Finally, I realized something. Well, several somethings.

1. First, he was never going to be the man I want him to be.
2. Second, there was no way we could go back to the times when it was the worst and he could change his behavior.
3. Third, me getting all worked up over everything that happened in the past and present feelings didn't effect him at all. Just me. They say resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. That was exactly what I was doing.

So I stopped. I just stopped. I realized that I had my whole life ahead of me. I grieved for the little girl I was. I felt bad for her that she never had a daddy that she could love and crawl into his lap and just be. I just tuned it all out.

So, the answer to the bullet point is nothing. Not any more. I am me, and that's enough.

Parenting and the Adult Child

Over at Moxie's site, she has done an amazing job of dissecting and discussing parenting and the adult child. Here are some bullet points I lifted from her site and would like to elaborate:

• What can I reasonably get from my parent?

• Is that enough?

• If not, is there someplace else I can get that so I'm able to let go of the need to get it from my parent?

• What am I willing to give up to get something from my parent?

• If I take steps to setting some boundaries, do I have a way to check myself so I don't get guilted or manipulated into abandoning those boundaries just to keep peace or win approval?

• Am I prepared for short-term anger and hostility when I start to draw some boundaries?

• Is there anyone else who knows my parent who can help me troubleshoot and back me up in my plan?

These are excellent nuggets for thought. I have dealt with a lot of issues as a child and then an adult child and would like to use these points to expand on my own experience.

Full disclosure: Moxie's post was about the adult child as a parent, and I am not a parent. Her posts, however, inextricably link the adult child with her own parent, and that is the basis for my rambling.

Future posts will look at these bullet points in more detail as they have related to my own experience.