Tuesday, August 5, 2008

The girls have their own agenda

I peed on a stick today. Just to check. You know, because after tracking my temps for 13 cycles I thought that Handsome and I had finally done the trick this month.

My girls are making themselves known to me, in a way no other PMS cycle has before.

Alas, only the control line showed on the stick.

Betrayed by my boobs. *sigh*

Part of me wonders if I'm not subconciously sabotaging my chances of getting pregnant. I had wanted to be in a much better financial position before we lost all control of our lives brought a baby into the world. I talked about this with Handsome, who is 7 years older than me and apparently has his own biological clock clanging loudly in his ears.

He just really wants to go ahead, plans be damned.

But I like to plan, and I like to feel in control. I'm open to a baby, I just think I'd be more open later this year, or next year.

Yeah, that doesn't sound convincing, does it? I recognize that wanting to be in control doesn't jive very well with being open to a baby. I recognize that having a baby means that in a lot of ways, your life is truly out of control.

There are so many unknowns when it comes to babies. We cannot afford to have one or the other of us stay at home with baby. We probably cannot afford daycare either! Handsome has so many dreams of beautifying our home and yard, making it hospitable for us and a family, if that's what God plans. I can't imagine much progress being made when we're sleep deprived and totally broke.

Maybe it's just not the right time.

Is it okay that I'm fine with that?


Amy said...

Patients, all things happen in due time. Sometimes it's just not on our time. Not sure if you prey much, but it's unbelievable and powerful the way God is working in little Rwmingtyn's life. I'll say a prayer for you if you don't mind.

Heather said...

The power of the mind is nothing short of amazing. You can ABSOLUTELY keep yourself from getting pregnant by simply not wanting to be.

If you are not ready, or feel like things need to be better financially, you should express this to your husband. Talking it all out now rather than when the house note is due, there are no groceries in the house, the baby needs milk and diapers,and yesterday was payday and there is NO money...that is not the best time.

Been there, done that. (Survived, but it is hard)

It is totally ok you are not ready.

Also, don't dismiss that negative test until you get your period. My middle child didn't show up on a test until I was 12 weeks. I thought I was missing because of medication and never gave it much other thought.