Change your brain, change your life

The title of this post is a title of a book I just finished by Daniel G. Amen, M.D.  It was a fascinating look at the behavioral sabotage we go through and how that may be linked to various parts of the brain.  I needed to put my notes somewhere so I can refer to them later, and this was as good a place as any!

Limbic System therapy


1. Take responsibility for keeping the relationship strong. Don't be a person who blames his or her partner or friends for the relationship problems. Take responsibility for the relationship and look for what you can do to improve it. You'll feel empowered, and the relationship is likely to improve almost immediately.

2. Never take the relationship for granted. In order for relationships to be special, they need constant nurturing. Relationships suffer when they get put low on the priority list of time and attention. Focusing on what you want in a relationship is essential to making it happen.

3. Protect your relationship. A surefire way to doom a relationship is to discount, belittle, or degrade the other person. Protect your relationships by building up the other person.

4. Assume the best. Whenever there is a question of motivation or intention, assume the best about the other person. This will help his or her behavior to actually be more positive.

5. Keep the relationship fresh. When relationships become stale or boring, they become vulnerable to erosion. Stay away from "the same old thing" by looking for new and different ways to add life to your relationships.

6. Notice the good. It's very easy to notice what you do not like about a relationship. That's almost our nature. It takes real effort to notice what you like. When you spend more time noticing the positive aspects of the relationship, you're more likely to see an increase in positive behavior.

7. Communicate clearly. Take time to really listen and understand what other people say to you. Don't react to what you think people mean; ask them what they mean and then formulate a response.

8. Maintain and protect trust. So many relationships fall apart after there has been a major violation of trust. Often hurts in the present remind us of major traumas in the past and we blow them way out of proportion. Once a violation of trust has occurred, try to understand why it happened.

9. Deal with difficult issues. Whenever you give in to another person to avoid a fith, you give away a little of your power. If you do this over time you give away a lot of power and begin to resent the relationship. Avoiding conflict in the short run often has devastating long term effects. In a firm but kind way, stick up for what you think is right. It will help keep the relationship balanced.

10. Make time for each other. In our busy lives, time is often the first thing to suffer in our important relationships. Relationships require real time in order to function.

Basal Ganglia therapy

1. Don't give in to the anger of others just because it makes you uncomfortable.

2. Don't allow the opinions of others to control how you feel about yourself. Your opinion, within reason, needs to be the one that counts.

3. Say what you mean and stick up for what you believe is right.

4. Maintain self-control.

5. Be kind, if possible, but above all be firm in your stance.

One Page Miracle

Take one sheet of paper and clearly write out your major goals using the following main headings: Relationships, Work, Money and Myself. Under Relationships, write the subheadings: spouse, children, extended family and friends. Under Work, write current and future work goals, and include a section on how you want to get along with your employer. Under Money, write your current and future financial goals. Under Myself, write out body, mind, spirit and interests.

Next to each subheading, clearly write out what's important to you in that area --> write what you WANT, not what you don't want. Be positive and write in the first person. Keep a copy with you for several days so you can work on it over time. After you finish the initial draft, place this OPM where you can see it daily. Your life will become more conscious and you will spend your energy on goals that are important to you.

Cingulate Ganglia therapy

When you are bothered by repetitive negative thoughts, memorize and repeat the Serenity Prayer (attributed to Reinhold Niebuhr).

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time, enjoying one memont at a time; accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, taking as Jesus did this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it, trusting that you will make all things right if I surrender to your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with you in the next.

Lifeclass

I caught up on a bunch of Oprah's LifeClass episodes I had saved on the DVR.

This quote from Iyanla Vanzant was definitely worth pausing to write it down.

You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people.  But until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed.  You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life.  You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them.

Wow, powerful.

All I can do

I guess this is one of those posts I just want to write down so I don't forget.  A stream of consciousness post because that's all I can muster right now.

Never mind my insane head cold.  I stopped taking the pseudo-fed 3 days ago because I seriously couldn't function while on it.

When my friend, J's husband passed away suddenly, at 40, I knew that her world, hell, all of our worlds were going to be completely different afterward.  I knew that she would be lonely, that she would be angry, that she would get depressed, that grieving would come at her in crazy and unexpected ways.

I expected that she would be pissed off at me at various times, because she was grieving, because I was not, because my husband was still alive.  Despite the ups and downs that every marriage goes through, I knew full well she'd give anything to continue those ups and downs for another minute, instead of just reminiscing.  I really expected all of it.

But it's still hard.  It's hard to know that the hurt she feels is something I can't take from her.  It's something that wallops her and nobody can shield her from those waves.

So I know that when I've hurt her feelings, or when she thinks I have hurt her feelings, it's not really about me, and it's not really that I've done anything wrong, it's just that she's raw and grieving and it's painful.  The only way to not expose her to any perceived hurt from me is to distance myself from her life.  I love her too much to do that.

But it totally sucks in the meantime.  To know that she's pissed, at me, for no reason, and that any other person can look at the situation and know that she's drowning but can't accept any help, that is painful for us all.  Because we all love her.  And we all want to help her.  But if she closes herself off, and can't let herself be fallible or vulnerable, or open to the love and support that we all wish to share with her, then we have to let her be for now.

I wish it were different.  For J.  For me.  For the rest of us who can only stand by and wish we could do something MORE for her, for us.  I wish it weren't so painful for all of us to bear the brunt of this grief. 

I am glad that we, as her group of friends, can recognize that it isn't a fault of our own.  For most of my life, I am willing to bet that I would've seen this as something I was responsible for, something that I would have to fix.

I only wish that I could.  For now, I can continually offer my vibes from afar.  Until that forgiveness is given, that's the best I can do.

It's Not Easy

Let's be honest. Ethics is not for wimps.


It's not easy being a good person.

It's not easy to be honest when it might be costly, to play fair when others cheat, or to keep inconvenient promises.

It's not easy to stand up for our beliefs and still respect differing viewpoints.

It's not easy to control powerful impulses, to be accountable for our attitudes and actions, to tackle unpleasant tasks, or to sacrifice the now for later.

It's not easy to bear criticism and learn from it without getting angry, to take advice, or to admit error.

It's not easy to feel genuine remorse and apologize sincerely, or to accept apologies graciously and truly forgive.

It's not easy to stop feeling like a victim, to resist cynicism, or to make the best of every situation.

It's not easy to be consistently kind, to think of others first, to judge generously, or to give the benefit of the doubt.

It's not easy to be grateful or to give without concern for reward or gratitude.

It's not easy to fail and still keep trying, to learn from failure, to risk failing again, to start over, to lose with grace, or to be glad of another's success.

It's not easy to look at ourselves honestly and be accountable, to avoid excuses and rationalizations, or to resist temptations.

No, being a person of character isn't easy. That's why it's such a lofty goal and an admirable achievement.

 - Michael Josephson

Happiness is . . .

The Geography of Bliss: One Grump's Search for the Happiest Places in the World by Eric Weiner


My rating: 3 of 5 stars


Probably one of the least happiest books about happiness I've read. The descriptions of the places the author visits are terrific. However, the author is a self-described grump, and it shows. There is a layer of film over even the most happy places the author visits, even the most delighted people. I found the entire book to be a little depressing, as though the motive for writing wasn't really achieved. There is happiness to be found everywhere, and sure, it can be measured, but why? Basically I was confounded with the entire premise, that certain places would be happier than others. I mean, there are homeless people in Hawaii who are probably just as pissed off as some of the people in Qatar or Bhutan (whichever was "happy" in the book). Just not a terrific read, frankly.




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Loss of love and sight

The Blind Contessa's New Machine by Carey Wallace


My rating: 3 of 5 stars


A beautifully descriptive first novel from a young author. A love story about the loss of sight and how to make up for that in imagination. This book is elegant and lovely, although the ending broke my heart in its abrupt apathy. The "machine" doesn't make its appearance until three-quarters through the book, and really, doesn't have much to do with the story. The love between Carolina and her scientist is what draws the reader gently through the Italian countryside in this story. Great read, disappointing ending.




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Immortality

The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot


My rating: 4 of 5 stars


Very interesting book about a black woman who, in 1951, unknowingly donated some of her cancer cell tissue which provided limitless groundbreaking for science and technology ever since. Henrietta Lacks was a poor woman from slavery ancestry who provided for her husband and children as best she could until she got sick and went to Johns Hopkins for treatment. While there, she received radiation therapy to cure the cancer which eventually took her life. Her cells were taken for research and found to multiply unlike any cells ever seen to that point in history. Her cells do not die. To date, there are enough cells from Henrietta to circle the Earth three times. This fascinating story tells about the ethics concerning tissue donation when the donor is not aware of the donation nor of the ramifications of donating, as well as the multi-billion dollar industry surrounding the use of donated tissue. It is a sad tale because the Lacks family was cheated out of their share of the profits made from the use of Henrietta's cells, in fact they can't even afford health insurance for their family. The argument for and against informed consent is dissected, does consent help or hinder scientific research? Really great read and lots of questions to answer about tissue research.




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Smashed

Smashed: Story of a Drunken Girlhood by Koren Zailckas


My rating: 4 of 5 stars


Both shockingly honest and also too familiar. The difference I could tell between the author and me is I couldn't feel her overwhelming shame or guilt or remorse in these pages. I have lived through many of the same alcohol induced experiences and, in fact quite a few more since she was in her twenties before she had sex and apparently was never caught drinking and driving. She also quit drinking by 23, whereas I have over 10 years on her by now. Even in my most innocent alcoholic encounters, I felt guilty. She talks about her stomach being pumped and who knows possibly being raped and waking up in strager's houses with the air of a documentary, but never seems afraid of her choices or worried about what other people thought of her. She's much more of a puker than I ever was but, again, she didn't seem embarrassed by it, just saw it as part of being young and drunk. I am impressed with her candor and writing, even if it felt like she was a little removed from it all.

She ends her book with a passionate rage against the alcohol industry in the media.  Most eye catching to me was this:

"Drinking, like all forms of self-destruction, isn't a valid art form - because it allows the world to rejoice in our weakness..."

She also says:  "I've had it with a world that has created a generation of women who are emotionally dependent on alcohol, and then demonized us for our lack of feminine control."

And finally:  "I see alcohol like a man who courted us all.  Alcohol has been the first love of so many of us; it had us believing we were desirable and challenging in its presence alone.  It let us think it would take us away from small towns, stressful studies, tedious jobs, or unproductive relationships.  We have been terrifyingly devoted to it, and it's left too many of us heart sore."

Amen.




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Happy birthmother's day!

The day before Mother's Day is traditionally celebrated as Birthmother's Day, to thank all of the women who have selflessly made the choice to place their children in a loving home other than their own. 

Some birthmoms hate this day, and Mother's Day, because it is painful and reminds them of the absence in their lives.  Others celebrate, because we are cherished for providing a child to a family who desperately wanted one.

While adoptive families struggle with their own emotions during Mother's Day weekend, please don't forget the woman who gave life to that child you love so much.

I tip my hat to all my fellow birthmoms out there and wish you a lotta love on this day. 

Openness

The one thing that really kept me grounded through this whole adoption process was that this is an open adoption. While relatively new, I think open adoption is gaining huge strides in being a preferred method of raising adopted children.

I know more about Caden's mom and dad than I would have 20 years ago. We see each other often, many times including my own family (mother, grandmother, aunt, cousins, etc.) so Caden has this enormous extended family.

People ask questions about confusing the child by having so many people who love him. (Huh? Really?) My dad, for instance, did not want to be an active part of my son's life because he thought "he'll have enough grandparents".  Oh well, I think that's my dad's loss, not Caden's.

Or am I co-parenting Caden? Definitely NOT, I allow Sally and Dan all the joys of parenting! I just get to hang out and be the cool birthmom!  It is not my job to parent, those were rights I gave up in court.  It is my job to let this little boy know how much I love him, and how I am forever grateful that I can still be a part of his life.

Semantics cause issues sometimes.  I've fielded questions and comments from people that blow my mind.  One lady, super nice but obviously ignorant, was asking about Caden when I referred to him as "my son."  (I get this a lot.)   She said "Oh, you gave him up for adoption?  Then he isn't really your son."  I calmly explained that until the day I die, he will always be my son.  I may not be his "mom", but I will always be his "birthmom". 

A particularly nasty lady I used to work with, who, coincidentally, was going through the process of adopting a child, would say the most hurtful things to me about being a birthmom.  Surprisingly, my mind must have cleansed itself between then and now because I can't recall any specific thing she said, just that she was hateful.  So, you'll just have to trust me on that one.

I wrote my master's thesis about openness in adoption.  Language that we use is a huge issue in adoption.  Examples are saying "Placed for adoption" instead of saying "Gave up for adoption."  This is because I didn't "give up" anything but my right to be Caden's parent.  I "placed" him in a loving home with wonderful parents who would give him the life I know I could not. 

Or "birthparent" instead of "biological" or worse, "real".  Yes, biology plays an

I encourage you to email me if you have any questions about my experience with open adoption. I think we are a success story. I've been on a lot of message boards and in a lot of online communities where people haven't had such warm, wonderful experiences. Talk about it! We can all learn from each other!

Looking for blogs in all the wrong places

Have you ever noticed that little button at the top of some Blogger users' toolbar "Next Blog"? I click on it occasionally and find that Blogger will knowingly guide me to other blogs who have something in common with the blog I just previously visited.



I click the link after visiting my own blog and get the same 7-10 yoga based blogs that Blogger has in its queue ad nauseum. On a slow day, I may venture clicking some 75-100 different times just to see if I get anything new.


Sometimes, though, the link disappoints. I've been thinking about blogging about my role as a birthmom, and my adoption experience, and how it feels to know that my husband and I are probably not going to have kids. I was over at BlogHer perusing (so many of my mentors blog over there) and found a whole section about being child-free. Exciting and new!


I was reading a blog called No Kidding in NZ and when I clicked on the "Next Blog" link, I actually expected Blogger to show me a blog that had something to do with other people who struggle with infertility or are otherwise child-free.


Not what happened.


I got a link to a happy looking family, husband wife and three kids. At Disneyland.


I clicked again. Got another blog about the ramblings of a family written by the mom about her husband and their five children.


After reading so much about needing and wanting validation regarding child-free-ness, Bloggers blatant display of child-full-ness was almost like a slap in the face.


So, I guess I should write. If I needed any more push in that direction, it's the absence of people like me. There are others like me, aren't there?

Ode to Flag Day

A flag is just a piece of cloth
Vulnerable to fire or to moth

You can hoist it way up high
And watch it flap against the sky

You can make it orange or green
Or any color in between

With shapes like hexagons or squares
And sometimes lions or even bears

Stars and stripes get used a lot
But seldom ever polka dots

The colors I am partial to
Seem to be red white and blue

The white for right, the blue for true
The red: blood shed, for me and you

(Ol' Betsy Ross, she musta knew)

Written by Johnny Hart - creator of B.C. comics

Dreaming

Had this crazy dream last night where I was hanging out with my high school girlfriend E. and some of E's friends but her friends were freaking me out. I think my high school boyfriend L. was there or I was talking to him on the phone and he was going to come hang out with me. I left E. and her weird friends and drove to my college girlfriend H's house, which I was house-sitting. (it totally wasn't H's real house, but it was seriously an awesome house!) There was a group of bikers (like bicyclists, not motorcycles) who had stopped at the house to grab a bite to eat before setting off on a big ride. I got a text message from E. which said "I expected Reece to leave but didn't think YOU would." Obviously, E. was pissed that I had left. Then my best friend J. showed up at the house and he and I were hanging out, eating grub (salad) with the bicyclists in the kitchen. Then I woke up.

I told my girlfriend E. about this dream and she said that what struck her was that it was so busy! She asked me if I have been under stress lately?

Hmmmm..... Nothing I can't suppress in a conscious state! Obviously my sub/unconscious has some stuff to work through. E. and J. both are very good friends. I can totally be myself with them. H. is someone who I have been friends with but we aren't really close. I feel like a doofus sometimes when I am around her. And L.? Well, we dated for a year in high school, and he was a great boyfriend when he wasn't freaked out about everything. On some level, evidently, I see him as someone who could take care of me. That's comforting.

What's interesting to me, and this has been true for as long as I've known him, is that Handsome rarely makes an appearance in my dreams. I wonder what that means?

Brilliant

A Conscious Marriage

Adapted from Getting the Love You Want: A Guide For Couples, by Harville Hendrix

A conscious marriage is a marriage that fosters maximum psychological and spiritual growth; it’s a marriage created by becoming conscious and cooperating with the fundamental drives of the unconscious mind: to be safe, to be healed, and to be whole.

What are some of the differences when you become conscious? The following list highlights some of the essential differences in attitude and behavior:

1. You realize that your love relationship has a hidden purpose—the healing of childhood wounds.

2. You create a more accurate image of your partner.

3. You take responsibility for communicating your needs and desires to your partner.

4. You become more intentional in your interactions.

5. You learn to value your partner’s needs and wishes as highly as you value your own.

6. You embrace the dark side of your personality.

7. You learn new techniques to satisfy your basic needs and desires.

8. You search within yourself for the strengths and abilities you are lacking.

9. You become more aware of your drive to be loving and whole and united with the universe.

10. You accept the difficulty of creating a good marriage.

Small changes can add up!

If 10,000 people go vegan for one meal a week, in a year we'll avert the amount of carbon dioxide produced by 548 pizza delivery cars.

Wild, huh?

As for me, I'll make my vegan choice be City O' City in downtown Denver. Check out their offerings here.

Some people are ascairt of the word "vegan", but with delectables like pizza with seitan sausage, carmelized onions and fresh sage... You can't live in fear for long!

Oh, and for my GF friends, all of their offerings can be made gluten free too!

If you live in California

I strongly encourage you to vote YES on Prop 2. It is the modest measure that stops cruel and inhumane treatment of animals, ending the practice of cramming farm animals into cages so small the animals can't even turn around, lie down or extend their limbs. Here is a very cute video showing what the animals have to say about Prop 2 (HT to my mom)




Sadly (VERY VERY SADLY), the truth isn't as cute as even the worst parts of this video. The truth is that these animals lead horrible lives. Treating our food sources with respect will only reap bountiful rewards for us human beans in the long run. So, please, my California buddies, vote YES on Prop 2.

Natural Weed Control

Are you spending more time pulling weeds than enjoying the garden you've doted on all summer? Are you worried about the effect on the health of your family by using awful toxic pesticides?

My alternative? We use fabric. Fabric groundcovers block sunlight which deters weeds while simultaneously keeping the soil moist so you don't have to water as much.

Any fabric will do, really. They sell the weed fabric at the big box stores for about $10-12 for a 50 foot roll. You thought gas was expensive? Try a gallon of Round Up for $20!

If you have an old army blanket in the basement that's half eaten by moths, throw that out in the yard! It will even compost over time!

You can lay fabric under decks, or gravel pathways, or brick/stone patios. If you use it in the garden, all you do is cut circles out of the fabric where you want to plant, throw some mulch over the rest of it and voila! You're green!

Fabric in the garden definitely works for me!

Change your thinking, change the world

I wish the United States would lead the charge in innovative, sustainable energy. We could so change the world.

Chevrolet announced the unveiling of its electric car, the Volt (cute, huh?), which will be available in 2010. Of course, the gas-free, zero emission vehicle comes at a price tag of about $40,000.

It's a start, even with the hefty cost.

The line of thinking that we must drill everywhere we possibly can just isn't the right one. Even if we utilized all the oil and gas leases that are currently out there, oil and coal are finite substances. They just won't renew and thus, if we exhaust them, we'll be at this EXACT same spot down the road.

Why is it so difficult to move away from the destruction of our blessed mother earth and figure new ways to transport ourselves from point a to point b? With hybrid technology and electric vehicles, we should not be so dependent on oil.

The candidates in this year's election are making a big deal out of the viscous liquid. I just don't think drilling is the answer.

Even Bush's administration has admitted that, should we drill in the Arctic Wildlife Refuge, we'd only see a 4 cent per gallon decrease, and that would be around 2020.

That is unacceptable to me. Why bother assaulting the land, the animals and the seas just for a savings I can get with my Safeway card at the pump?

Some ways to help yourself in this energy quagmire we've found ourselves:

• Pump It Up. Check your tire pressure. More than a quarter of all cars and nearly one-third of all SUVs, vans and pickups have under-inflated tires, according to a survey by the Department of Transportation. Properly inflating tires or buying low-rolling resistance tires could increase fuel economy by 3 percent or more.

• Get in Tune. Take your car in for regular maintenance (check your owner's manual to find out how often your car needs a tune-up). Following the recommended maintenance schedule keeps your car running better and longer. A poorly tuned or poorly maintained engine can increase gasoline consumption by as much as 4 percent.

• Use Good Motor Oil. Use the motor oil grade designed for your engine and choose a fuel-efficient oil marked with the "Energy Conserving" label by the American Petroleum Institute. Using a friction-reducing formula in the right grade can improve fuel economy by up to 2 percent.

• Lighten the Load. Removing heavy items from your trunk and roof racks can improve fuel economy by 2 percent.

• Slow It Down. Ease up on the pedal. Slowing down from 75 to 65 miles per hour will drop your highway gasoline consumption by about 15 percent. In town, avoiding rapid acceleration and aggressive driving can improve fuel economy by up to 5 percent.

• Cut the Engine. If you're waiting to pick up a teenager or trapped in a huge traffic jam, turn off your engine. Across the country, idling cars waste millions of gallons of gasoline every day. If your wait is longer than 30 seconds, restarting the engine uses less gas than leaving it running.

Some day, Mother nature will shrug us off like a water from a wet dog. I just hope we don't badly damage her in the meantime.

Question about baby showers

My girlfriend is pregnant with number 3. Her eldest, a girl, is 6 and her youngest, a boy, is 3.

I'd like to throw her a shower for number 3. My cohorts are questioning the etiquette.

Do you think it's okay to throw a shower, even if it's just a diaper and onesie thang, for the mom-to-be of number 3?

Me? I like a party! I believe each child's life should be celebrated! I know diapers are expensive! I am positive that this mom-to-be would appreciate the gesture.

Please, weigh in. Thank you!