Thanks to Mom

Today I am thankful that I have a pretty great relationship with my mom. She was a single mom for most of my life and had to make a lot of sacrifices for me. We struggled, as so many other families do, during my adolescence, but I think she's forgiven me for pushing and stretching and testing all the boundaries.

We always came as a package deal, and it wasn't until the end of my college career and shortly thereafter that I was really able to stand on my own. My mom always has an ear for listening to me and is usually willing to head out for the next small adventure if I call and ask.

She has taught me more about unconditional love than any other human I know, because boy have I given her opportunities to rethink her stance! To this day, I know that I make her proud, and that I have a champion in my corner whenever I need her.

Love you mom!

Little Eyes

Man, oh man, has it been a while. Lots to catch up on, but let me post this beauty of a poem. It is much more uplifting than the crap I've dealt with in the last 3 months.

WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T LOOKING

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make my favorite cake for me, and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could always talk to, and I learned to trust in Him.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing, and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good, and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw that you cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking I looked at you and wanted to say, 'Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.'

LITTLE EYES SEE A LOT .

Each of us (parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, teacher, friend) influence the life of a child. How will you touch the life of someone today? Live simply. Love generously.Care deeply. Speak kindly.

Change your thinking, change the world

I wish the United States would lead the charge in innovative, sustainable energy. We could so change the world.

Chevrolet announced the unveiling of its electric car, the Volt (cute, huh?), which will be available in 2010. Of course, the gas-free, zero emission vehicle comes at a price tag of about $40,000.

It's a start, even with the hefty cost.

The line of thinking that we must drill everywhere we possibly can just isn't the right one. Even if we utilized all the oil and gas leases that are currently out there, oil and coal are finite substances. They just won't renew and thus, if we exhaust them, we'll be at this EXACT same spot down the road.

Why is it so difficult to move away from the destruction of our blessed mother earth and figure new ways to transport ourselves from point a to point b? With hybrid technology and electric vehicles, we should not be so dependent on oil.

The candidates in this year's election are making a big deal out of the viscous liquid. I just don't think drilling is the answer.

Even Bush's administration has admitted that, should we drill in the Arctic Wildlife Refuge, we'd only see a 4 cent per gallon decrease, and that would be around 2020.

That is unacceptable to me. Why bother assaulting the land, the animals and the seas just for a savings I can get with my Safeway card at the pump?

Some ways to help yourself in this energy quagmire we've found ourselves:

• Pump It Up. Check your tire pressure. More than a quarter of all cars and nearly one-third of all SUVs, vans and pickups have under-inflated tires, according to a survey by the Department of Transportation. Properly inflating tires or buying low-rolling resistance tires could increase fuel economy by 3 percent or more.

• Get in Tune. Take your car in for regular maintenance (check your owner's manual to find out how often your car needs a tune-up). Following the recommended maintenance schedule keeps your car running better and longer. A poorly tuned or poorly maintained engine can increase gasoline consumption by as much as 4 percent.

• Use Good Motor Oil. Use the motor oil grade designed for your engine and choose a fuel-efficient oil marked with the "Energy Conserving" label by the American Petroleum Institute. Using a friction-reducing formula in the right grade can improve fuel economy by up to 2 percent.

• Lighten the Load. Removing heavy items from your trunk and roof racks can improve fuel economy by 2 percent.

• Slow It Down. Ease up on the pedal. Slowing down from 75 to 65 miles per hour will drop your highway gasoline consumption by about 15 percent. In town, avoiding rapid acceleration and aggressive driving can improve fuel economy by up to 5 percent.

• Cut the Engine. If you're waiting to pick up a teenager or trapped in a huge traffic jam, turn off your engine. Across the country, idling cars waste millions of gallons of gasoline every day. If your wait is longer than 30 seconds, restarting the engine uses less gas than leaving it running.

Some day, Mother nature will shrug us off like a water from a wet dog. I just hope we don't badly damage her in the meantime.

Refreshment

We had the rainiest weekend of the year. It was wonderful.

It rained off and on all day on Friday and torrentially on Saturday. The flowers perked right up and welcomed the life giving water deep into their roots. The cucumbers are bulging, hanging on their vines.

The grass is greener than ever. The crickets chirrupped in the night.

It's as if each member of the land has taken a collective inhale, and then a sigh of relief and rejuvenation.

Setting boundaries

In her series of posts about parenting and the adult child, Moxie listed several bullet points which I have broken down into separate posts. Please see this post and this post to understand what the heck I'm talking about.

• If I take steps to setting some boundaries, do I have a way to check myself so I don't get guilted or manipulated into abandoning those boundaries just to keep peace or win approval?

Boundaries used to be a BIG issue with me. For a long time, I would revert to the five year old self whenever I was around my dad. I felt stupid and clueless, clumsy and not at all like the bright, young, intelligent being I was. At some point, I experienced some enlightenment and decided that I NEEDED some boundaries so that I would not feel like an idiot whenever I saw him, or talked on the phone. What I use most to check myself on these boundaries is my own conscience. If it doesn't feel right, it ain't working. I am very true to myself and know without a doubt when I am being guilted and manipulated.

• Am I prepared for short-term anger and hostility when I start to draw some boundaries?

It makes me ill to negotiate my own boundaries to keep peace or win approval. I had a girlfriend in high school who ended up dating somebody that I wasn't fond of. At. All. It was really tough for me because I was very good friends with the girl, but her boyfriend frightened me. I tried to redefine our friendship to the exclusion of this man (yeah, who is manipulative now?). Finally, I laid it out there that, as much as I loved her, I wasn't willing to sacrificed my own being to continue our friendship.

Oh, yeah. THAT went over like poop in a punchbowl. She said fine, if that was how I felt, then we did not need to be friends anymore. And, as much as it hurt at the time, I got over it eventually. I never felt like I lost my integrity, and to me, that was worth more than our friendship. Because if you can't be true to yourself, how can you be true to anyone else?

• Is there anyone else who knows my parent who can help me troubleshoot and back me up in my plan?

This was tough for me growing up because the only one I felt like I could talk to, who knew my dad, was my mom. Bless her heart, too, because that's a tough position to be in. Oprah once said "When you dishonor the parent, you shame the child." My mom never talked badly about my dad. She never said what a jerk he was for being, well, such a jerk! But she did console me when I needed it, and explained to the best of her ability why I felt so let down. And she always told me how proud she was of me, for choosing to be firm on my boundaries. Once I decided I was done being the victim of my past relationship with my dad, my mom was my biggest cheerleader.

Recently my mom was talking to me about me not being raised by both her and my dad. She was asking me if I felt any kind of loss by not having two parents in the same house. I told her I didn't know any different, so no, not really. She asked if I had any anger associated with her decision to leave my dad when I was young. Again, I never knew a household with my dad and my mom, so how could I compare? But she wanted to really talk about it, dig deep, and I just didn't want to go there right then. And I told her as much: "I don't want to talk about that right now." It was to the point and succinct. My mom was a little stunned, but said "Oh-kay." And that was the end of that discussion. (That's setting boundaries!)

The more I thought about it, later, I realized something big that would have been different had my parents stayed married. My relationship with my dad would have been much different. I would probably have much more trust in that relationship than I ever will now. He probably wouldn't have treated me as he did if my mom was around to bear witness, to intercede. If they were both active parents, instead of passive judges on the others' parenting, it would have changed my life tremendously. I could play the "what-if" game forever, but my life and their marriage just didn't happen like that.

And I'm okay with that.

Parenting and the Adult Child

Over at Moxie's site, she has done an amazing job of dissecting and discussing parenting and the adult child. Here are some bullet points I lifted from her site and would like to elaborate:

• What can I reasonably get from my parent?

• Is that enough?

• If not, is there someplace else I can get that so I'm able to let go of the need to get it from my parent?

• What am I willing to give up to get something from my parent?

• If I take steps to setting some boundaries, do I have a way to check myself so I don't get guilted or manipulated into abandoning those boundaries just to keep peace or win approval?

• Am I prepared for short-term anger and hostility when I start to draw some boundaries?

• Is there anyone else who knows my parent who can help me troubleshoot and back me up in my plan?

These are excellent nuggets for thought. I have dealt with a lot of issues as a child and then an adult child and would like to use these points to expand on my own experience.

Full disclosure: Moxie's post was about the adult child as a parent, and I am not a parent. Her posts, however, inextricably link the adult child with her own parent, and that is the basis for my rambling.

Future posts will look at these bullet points in more detail as they have related to my own experience.

Honoring our mothers

Laura at Heavenly Homemakers has a really neat carnival type thing going on in observance of Mother's Day. This is a time of year where we get to honor all the mothers in our lives.

I am awed by all the amazing women out there who are mommin' it and still loving God and their husband and maybe they work or maybe they hang at home with the youngun's. Handsome and I are not yet in the position of being "parental units" to our own little ones but I hope to be a good mom when the time comes.

So, here is my diatribe gushing about some of the super moms in my life.

My mom. She raised me solo and was my best friend throughout the years and across the country. She taught me what it was to fight for what I believed in (even if that school didn't organize a girls wrestling team). She worked hard to support my dreams. She wasn't afraid to let me know that she didn't have all the answers, and that was okay. I always thought she did, though! She always lets me know how proud she is of me. I love you mom.

My grandma. I wish she had a website. She taught me the power of God and that reading the bible once doesn't qualify as "study". Grandma let me know that you can perservere through tragedy multiple times and still come out of the thick of it intact. A small town girl, she showed me that even though I had moved 11 times by my senior year, I could find roots anywhere. Surprisingly, she picked up and moved hundreds of miles away shortly thereafter, showing me you're never too old to start a new life. Thanks grandma, for sharing your life with me.

My son's mom. The woman who agreed to be the mom to the kid I birthed when I knew I wouldn't be able to be the best mom he needed. Here we are, almost TEN YEARS LATER, and I have never regretted my decision. Ever. You're a great mom to him and have taught us all SO MUCH about what it means to love unconditionally. Thank you hardly seems adequate.

My mother-in-law. Really! She rocks. She, too, has gone through enormous life changes and has shown resiliency beyond belief. One tough cookie, she came from a strange land, learned the ropes and built her own empire in the process. She nurtured, loved and raised my husband to be a kind and loving man. For that, I will always be grateful.

My girlfriend Echo. She and her husband decided to adopt because Echo did not want to pass along a genetic illness to a baby. Well, they were blessed with preemie twins who are the most beautiful, smart and courteous girls I just adore. It's tough work, being a mom when you're just a puppy your own self, but Echo has done an incredible job!

My girlfriend Celia. She's still pregnant, but after a long time trying to conceive, I just know she'll make a great mom. She is such a naturalist and I'm totally looking forward to seeing how she deals with mom-ness. I'll update after baby is born!

And me, as a birthmom. I am so blessed to be able to continue my role in my son's life. I strive to be a good example and am continually amazed at the creation I helped to bring to this Earth. Wow!

Happy Birthmother's Day

Birth Mother's Day is a day to honor and remember the motherhood experience of birth mothers, the women who lost/placed their children in adoption. It is held on the day before Mother's Day and observed with a public ceremony.

Birth Mother's Day was created in 1990 by a group of Seattle Washington birth mothers who met each other at a birth parent support group. It grew out of the shared recognition that Mother's Day is one of the most painful days of the year- second only to the birthday of our missing children. Yet birth mothers have been shut out of the traditional celebration and remembrances of the holiday. Most birth mothers are neither named nor recognized among the mothers in our midst. For most birth mothers there are no cards or flowers. Society treats the motherhood of the birth mother as a momentary event that fades quickly from the collective memory. It often seems we are even forgotten by those who received the gift and the privilege of parenthood through the birth mother's loss. This invisibility and silence gives adopted children and adults the message they are forgotten by their birth mothers and that, they too, have no place for expressing their feelings, thoughts or questions about the woman who gave the gift of life. Most people are simply unaware that for the rest of their lives, many birth mothers feel sorrow, and love, for the children they have lost through adoption. This is partly because there has never been place or a way for birth mothers to tell their stories. Our pain has been made invisible by a society that tells us we can forget. Without permission to grieve by those around us, we have lived in isolation and silence with a great wound upon our hearts and souls. We have lived with the unspeakable sorrow of a mother's loss, a mother who lives separated from her child.

Despite this invisibility, and denial, birth mothers are mothers. We are not egg donors, or baby making machines. We have names and faces, hearts and stories. The process of pregnancy and the act of birth are profound life-changing experiences. The birth experience impacts a woman for the rest of her life. Connections of heart, spirit, and biology are forged. Eternal connections are made that cannot be dissolved by ink and paper. When birth is followed by the abrupt loss/separation from one's child, a mother is plunged into the most difficult of human experiences- grief, loss, despair, shame, and failure. This is the traumatic aftermath of an adoption decision for a birth mother. It is with her the rest of her life. Some birth mothers ultimately find peace with the adoption decision, but even more live with it as an open wound. It is a wound for which little understanding or help has come from those who advocate, facilitate and profit from adoption Mother's Day brings a birth mother's feelings and memories rushing forward like the tide. Most of us have endured this annual event in isolation, invisibility, silence and secret grief, acknowledging our motherhood and our absent child only to ourselves. Birth Mother's Day was created to help birth mothers move through this torrent of memory and feeling. It is a way to take back our rightful name of Mother and to celebrate ourselves as birth givers- the ones who give life. It is a way to expand the celebration of Mother's Day to make it inclusive of all the mothers in our communities. It is a day to remember and to celebrate the birth of our children- an experience many of us were denied. In doing this we affirm our connection and feeling for our children. We create a space to tell our stories and become fully human again- with names, faces, voices and compassion for ourselves and our experiences.

Birth Mother's Day is held on the day before Mother's Day. There are several reasons for this. The first of these recognizes our motherhood is one of loss and abrupt separation, as well as love and connection. Many of us were denied as mothers, treated like criminals, abandoned by our families, our communities and our children's fathers. These are not the traditional experiences or sentiments associated with the Mother's Day observances, yet these remembrances are summoned forth each year at this time. A separate day allows all of the feelings to be acknowledged, especially those that are painful and rooted in grief.

Birth mothers who have had other children expressed feeling torn between the Mother's Day celebrations of the children they are raising and the memory of the child who is absent. A separate day allows for observance and expression of both circumstances. Secondly our motherhood comes first and makes possible the motherhood of another woman- the adoptive mother. If we had not given birth, there would be no child for the adoptive mother (and father) to parent. Observing Birth Mother's Day on the Saturday prior to Mother's day symbolically represents this reality. Adopted children have two mothers. Our shared child links us one to one another. The intention is not to detract from those who are parenting our children, but to make this annual observance inclusive of all the mothers in the lives of our children and our communities.

Observing Birth Mother's Day could also create a time for families of adopted children to talk openly about birth families and the ways we are all connected to one another through our children. Mother's Day was originally founded by Julia Ward Howe, as a day for peace, in which the mothers of the world would commit themselves to peace by not allowing their children to kill another mother's child in war. This commitment was based on the shared understanding of a mother's love and the terrible grief of losing a child. In recognizing the love and the sorrow of birthmothers, Birth Mother's Day can be seen as an act of peace- making and healing. It stands in contrast to an adoption system that has been built upon the destruction of the birth family relationship, a destruction with consequences for the adoptive family as well.

Truth cannot be whole without all its parts. People cannot be whole without all the people who love them. In our events in Seattle, birth mothers have attended with the adoptive mothers of their shared children, and adoptive mothers and fathers have attended on behalf of their adopted children as well. By honoring the humanity of the birth mother and acknowledging the relationships between all of us, Birth Mother's day is a radical affirmation of the meaning of family and the way of peace making for our communities.

This excerpt is from A Birth Mother's Day Planner by Mary Jean Wolch Marsh. It can be purchased for $15.00 plus $3 shipping through R - Squared Press 721 Hawthorne Ave., Royal Oak, MI 48067-3621 USA Phone/Fax: 248-543-0997

Happy Earth Day y'all!

I love Earth Day, if for nothing else, it is an attempt to get people connected with the awareness that life on the planet is valuable, Earth's resources are finite and we can all do our part to change.

Handsome and I watched a program the other night called "Human Footprint" on the National Geographic channel. Wow. Basically, the show uses visual imagery to define how much the average person consumes over the course of her life. Wow. The amount of food we eat, the amount of trash we produce, the amount of diapers each baby uses, is absolutely staggering.

I asked Handsome recently if we should start reusing our zip-style plastic bags, you know, to save the planet. After giving me that look, he said no. If we really wanted to save the planet, we wouldn't be using the zip-style plastic bags at all. We'd be using aluminum foil, or porcelain bowls, for our food storage. *sigh*

So here are some of my tips for going green this Earth Day.

1. Eliminate unwanted junk mail catalogs by visiting and enrolling in http://www.catalogchoice.org/. It is a free service where you sign up, click on the catalogs you are receiving which you don't want to receive, enter the various names by which you may be receiving the catalogs (I have this issue because of the married/maiden last name thing), or various addresses where you may be receiving catalogs, and you're done.

2. If you can pay your bills online, do it. Eliminate getting paper statements from your credit card companies. This will not only save the environment from copious amount of paper trash, saving millions of trees from being chopped down, but it will also slim down your chances of becoming a victim of identity theft.

3. At the office, print on both sides of the page. Our office uses a ton of paper, but we are beginning to print drafts of documents on both sides so that we are not being so wasteful. Every little bit helps, really!

4. Get a low-flow toilet. I'm sure Handsome will love me preaching about plumbing, but the toilet is the biggest water hog in your house. Handsome would tell me that some people have bodily functions that simply overwhelm low-flow toilets. For those people, they even have Dual-Flow toilets! Yep, full flush for solids, low-flush for liquids. (In college, my roommate and I had the saying "If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down!" We were the ultimate water conservators.)

5. Take the bus! I could espouse all day about the advantages of riding the bus, but I'll just say that buses are becoming more alternative fueled and environmentally friendly than ever before. Never mind the fact that the 30 people who are riding with you are not out in their individual cars each day. And the books you can read, or the naps you can take, or the tunes on your ipod you can listen to, or the gas and parking costs you won't have to pay, are well worth the price of the ticket.

Happy Earth Day all, may this planet be blessed with conscious inhabitants.